13/13/13 (4/10)

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Clocks start showing 13:13 and everyone (except for people born in a leap year) goes crazy and starts killing themselves and each other. One of the characters figures out that if it weren’t for leap years, today would be 13/13/13. Seriously, that’s it. That’s the whole plot.

So, leaving out the really lame excuse for naming this 13/13/13 when they had run out of room on the calendar, this is a lot like The Signal (2007) except that was, you know, good. You should just go watch that instead.

12/12/12 (3/10)

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We open with a nude woman tied to a table with a dude smearing blood all over her and then human sacrificing her (I don’t know about you, but I think this is THE BEST way to start a movie; unfortunately, it’s all downhill after that). Sometime later, a woman gives birth to a demon baby that immediately strangles the delivery room doctor and nurse with its umbilical cord. Despite that, the couple is allowed to take the baby home, where it promptly bites her nipple, then later wakes her up in the middle of the night in the most WTF way possible (let’s just say it headed south from the nipple), and then kills the husband. The cops and Child Social Services show up and want to take the baby away, which the mother objects to, even though it’s obviously a creepy killer demon baby from hell. Anyway, the chick from CSS takes the baby and is promptly killed by it, so it is returned to its mother. For some reason, nobody seems all that concerned that the baby is killing everyone in sight and going down on mom. Meanwhile, some underwear-model-lookin’-dude is trying to steal the baby… for Satan!

This movie was dumb. The dialogue was dumb. The plot was dumb. The baby was dumb. The mother was dumb. The cops were dumb. Everything was dumb. But, it was also pretty funny. And watching the baby attack people even though it seemed otherwise completely unable to move was borderline hilarious. And there were some boobs. So, overall, it could have been worse. But not much. Oh, and I guess this was a sequel to 11/11/11, which I don’t remember too much about, other than it was somewhat less dumb than this one. And, this is followed by 13/13/13, which doesn’t even make calendrical sense. I haven’t seen that one yet, but I’ll let you know when I do.

UPDATE: My review of 13/13/13 Is here!

Devil’s Tower (8/10)

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A couple go up to the roof of a council high-rise to make out. Mid-snog, they suddenly start attacking each other for no apparent reason, and they both end up dead. The next day a new tenant, cutie-pie Sarah, arrives. Of course the building is shitty and full of squatters, because socialism. Sarah finds out from some friendly neighbors that she’s moving into the “murder flat”, and that the building is, of course, haunted. Soon, tenants start showing up on the antique TVs that are scattered throughout the building and start behaving very strangely and the whole building turns into a big zombie death- and fuck-fest. And then things get weird.

As you may have guessed from the word choices, this is British. That’s not terribly relevant, but I thought I’d mention it. Anywho, this starts out fairly serious, and then transitions to an almost slapstick comedy as it progresses and things go silly buggers (that’s a Britishism; I know this because I’m very cosmopolitan). This was a peculiar hybrid of family drama, ghost story, world-gone-mad, zombies, and it was quite a bit of fun. Also, there was a fair number of boobies, so that’s a point in its favor. Overall, quite worth a watch, and another good entry in the UK horror catalog. In fact, it was so good, I accidentally watched it twice.

Demon Kiss (3/10)

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Yeah, I’m pretty sure that some porn actors and actresses were sitting around with nothing to do and decided to make a horror movie, and this was the result. Not very good, but lots of nudity. Which, of course, is better than a not-very-good horror movie with no nudity.

Hold Your Breath (6/10)

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Opening scene: It’s the 1950s and a sadistic serial killer is about to be executed for his crimes. Some shit happens, he kills a couple of guards and almost escapes, before finally being fried in the electric chair.

Cut to: Some young’uns are going camping and lock their cellphones up in the van’s glovebox (could this possibly be relevant later?!!!) As they drive past a cemetary, one of the girls says everyone should hold their breath because spirits might be roaming around and get sucked in as they drive passed. She says this is a thing, but nobody else in the movie has ever heard of it, but of course it must be a thing. Everyone reluctantly agrees, but the pot-smoking dudebro coughs on his pipe and ends up sucking in the serial killer’s spirit, dooming everyone to a horrible, painful, and somewhat entertaining death.

So, first, when Katrina Bowden is only the second-hottest chick in the movie, you’re in good shape babe-wise. The hottest chick seems to be dressed like Lara Croft for some reason, but I’m good with that. Later she is naked in a completely gratuitous (best kind, obviously) sex scene. There’s also some other nice boobs. Plot is bog-standard but executed (heh) well enough. Worth a watch for boobage and a couple of silly but impressive death gags. I gotta knock it for too much CGI gore though, that shit just don’t look right.

Infernal (7/10)

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A couple have a kid who is weird and can’t stop brushing her hair. Is she autistic, or the devil? Spoiler alert: It’s that second thing.

So this is basically a found-footage hipster version of The Omen. While not the most original idea, or even slightly original, it does a pretty good job of being creepy and actually works, for the most part. They really needed to cut back on the cricket sounds in the background though, really freakin’ annoying. No boobs but still worth a look.

Darkside Witches (5/10)

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So, this movie opens with some witches being burned at the stake, in a historical fashion. Then, there’s a hardcore sex scene, complete with a squicky demon blowie unhappy ending. Then a bunch of boring stuff with priests and some science chick trying to get to the bottom of the demon attacks. And bad dubbing. And more attacks from penis-chomping lesbian demon witches out for revenge. And tons of nudity. This one kind of has it all! Except for, you know, a budget.

Best line: “Welcome to slavery, you cocksucking sinners!”

Amityville Terror (6/10)

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A couple, with crossbow-wielding blonde teenage daughter and recovering drug-addict sister, move into a haunted house and proceed to go ape-shit due to demonic ghostly possession.

Not a bad variation on the typical Amityville theme, with multiple family members losing it, and some sort of cult worship of the house by an obnoxious clique of teenage girls. Also, more nudity and catfights than one would expect. A decent enough way to waste an hour and a half.

Satanic (6/10)

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Obnoxious Colorado millennials, heading to an obnoxious California music festival, take a detour to a hotel known for the suicide of some Satanic ho in the 70s, and proceed to dick around with a ouija board. And this is only the first stop on a whirlwind tour of occultic sites in LA.

Next stop: Some creepy occult shop. After acting like privileged little shits, they get thrown out by the creepy owner. They go back later that night to follow the owner to the ever-popular Secluded Location while continuing to act like spoiled little retards and spying on some Satanic ceremony involving a hot chick. At this point the viewer is left hoping that their horrible, painful deaths are imminent, when suddenly, the hot chick’s boobs are out! One of the jerkwads even says “oh shit! Boobs! We have boobies!” First smart thing any of them have said. Also, it looks like she’s about to be sacrificed, so they “rescue” her by nearly getting themselves shot. And then they go back to the hotel and have their own little Satan party with Hot Chick, who vomits and then pisses herself. After that, things get weird.

Also, Sarah Hyland says “fuck” a lot, which is weird because she still looks like she’s 8. If anyone ever makes a docudrama about Jeffrey Epstein’s island, she should be the first person cast.

So, this was written by Anthony Jaswinski, who wrote “Kristy”, which I liked quite a bit, and The Shallows, which I haven’t seen yet, but I’ve heard is good. This got slammed by critics (never trust critics, including me — trust me, I’m the last person you want to trust), but I thought it was pretty good, especially for mainstream Hollywood horror. “Kristy” was better for sure, but “Satanic” had its moments. At least it wasn’t another boobless PG-13 bore-fest. I’ll give this one a weak recommendation, but if you haven’t already seen “Kristy”, watch it instead.

Trucks (4/10)

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1997 TV movie adaptation of the same Stephen King short story that Maximum Overdrive was based on. Not nearly as horrifically and hilariously bad as MO, but still a goofy idea. Timothy Busfield is in this for some reason. Worth a watch for historical purposes if you have nothing better to do.