13/13/13 (4/10)

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Clocks start showing 13:13 and everyone (except for people born in a leap year) goes crazy and starts killing themselves and each other. One of the characters figures out that if it weren’t for leap years, today would be 13/13/13. Seriously, that’s it. That’s the whole plot.

So, leaving out the really lame excuse for naming this 13/13/13 when they had run out of room on the calendar, this is a lot like The Signal (2007) except that was, you know, good. You should just go watch that instead.

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12/12/12 (3/10)

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We open with a nude woman tied to a table with a dude smearing blood all over her and then human sacrificing her (I don’t know about you, but I think this is THE BEST way to start a movie; unfortunately, it’s all downhill after that). Sometime later, a woman gives birth to a demon baby that immediately strangles the delivery room doctor and nurse with its umbilical cord. Despite that, the couple is allowed to take the baby home, where it promptly bites her nipple, then later wakes her up in the middle of the night in the most WTF way possible (let’s just say it headed south from the nipple), and then kills the husband. The cops and Child Social Services show up and want to take the baby away, which the mother objects to, even though it’s obviously a creepy killer demon baby from hell. Anyway, the chick from CSS takes the baby and is promptly killed by it, so it is returned to its mother. For some reason, nobody seems all that concerned that the baby is killing everyone in sight and going down on mom. Meanwhile, some underwear-model-lookin’-dude is trying to steal the baby… for Satan!

This movie was dumb. The dialogue was dumb. The plot was dumb. The baby was dumb. The mother was dumb. The cops were dumb. Everything was dumb. But, it was also pretty funny. And watching the baby attack people even though it seemed otherwise completely unable to move was borderline hilarious. And there were some boobs. So, overall, it could have been worse. But not much. Oh, and I guess this was a sequel to 11/11/11, which I don’t remember too much about, other than it was somewhat less dumb than this one. And, this is followed by 13/13/13, which doesn’t even make calendrical sense. I haven’t seen that one yet, but I’ll let you know when I do.

UPDATE: My review of 13/13/13 Is here!

Room 6 (3/10)


Amy, who’s been having dreams about waking up in the middle of surgery, is riding with her boyfriend Nick when they get into a car crash. An ambulance shows up from out of nowhere and hauls off the injured boyfriend, but won’t bring Amy along or tell her where they’re going. She makes her way to the nearest hospital but Nick’s not there, but she finds Lucas, the driver from the other car, who is looking for his sister that was taken away by another ambulance. Together they call all the local hospitals with no luck, and are then attacked by a homeless Kane Hodder who has a bad case of demon-face. Meanwhile, things are not at all right at whatever facility Nick ended up at, where he’s being “cared for” by several hot but creepy nurses who like to take blood samples, get naked, and make out with each other. As the plot thickens, Amy starts having weirder dreams, sees demon faces everywhere, and complete strangers all seem to know her name. And Lucas gets all handsy and seems to be more sinister than expected. Meanwhile there’s a strange little girl who seems to know all about what’s going on, because of course there is. And there’s some sort of backstory involving Amy’s father which I couldn’t be arsed with paying attention to. Oh, did I mention the flying priest?

I’m pretty sure someone took a stack of horror movie screenplays, threw them in a blender, poured the results into a casserole dish, and baked it for 94 minutes. If it weren’t for the boobs I’d think this was made for SyFy. Sadly, the boobs are present in insufficient quantities to make up for the mish-mashed plot and general ineptitude of the filmmaking. The flying priest was inadvertently hilarious though, so there’s that. Overall, worth a watch only if you’ve already watched everything that’s better than this, which is most things.

Demon Kiss (3/10)

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Yeah, I’m pretty sure that some porn actors and actresses were sitting around with nothing to do and decided to make a horror movie, and this was the result. Not very good, but lots of nudity. Which, of course, is better than a not-very-good horror movie with no nudity.