12/12/12 (3/10)

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We open with a nude woman tied to a table with a dude smearing blood all over her and then human sacrificing her (I don’t know about you, but I think this is THE BEST way to start a movie; unfortunately, it’s all downhill after that). Sometime later, a woman gives birth to a demon baby that immediately strangles the delivery room doctor and nurse with its umbilical cord. Despite that, the couple is allowed to take the baby home, where it promptly bites her nipple, then later wakes her up in the middle of the night in the most WTF way possible (let’s just say it headed south from the nipple), and then kills the husband. The cops and Child Social Services show up and want to take the baby away, which the mother objects to, even though it’s obviously a creepy killer demon baby from hell. Anyway, the chick from CSS takes the baby and is promptly killed by it, so it is returned to its mother. For some reason, nobody seems all that concerned that the baby is killing everyone in sight and going down on mom. Meanwhile, some underwear-model-lookin’-dude is trying to steal the baby… for Satan!

This movie was dumb. The dialogue was dumb. The plot was dumb. The baby was dumb. The mother was dumb. The cops were dumb. Everything was dumb. But, it was also pretty funny. And watching the baby attack people even though it seemed otherwise completely unable to move was borderline hilarious. And there were some boobs. So, overall, it could have been worse. But not much. Oh, and I guess this was a sequel to 11/11/11, which I don’t remember too much about, other than it was somewhat less dumb than this one. And, this is followed by 13/13/13, which doesn’t even make calendrical sense. I haven’t seen that one yet, but I’ll let you know when I do.

UPDATE: My review of 13/13/13 Is here!

Room 6 (3/10)


Amy, who’s been having dreams about waking up in the middle of surgery, is riding with her boyfriend Nick when they get into a car crash. An ambulance shows up from out of nowhere and hauls off the injured boyfriend, but won’t bring Amy along or tell her where they’re going. She makes her way to the nearest hospital but Nick’s not there, but she finds Lucas, the driver from the other car, who is looking for his sister that was taken away by another ambulance. Together they call all the local hospitals with no luck, and are then attacked by a homeless Kane Hodder who has a bad case of demon-face. Meanwhile, things are not at all right at whatever facility Nick ended up at, where he’s being “cared for” by several hot but creepy nurses who like to take blood samples, get naked, and make out with each other. As the plot thickens, Amy starts having weirder dreams, sees demon faces everywhere, and complete strangers all seem to know her name. And Lucas gets all handsy and seems to be more sinister than expected. Meanwhile there’s a strange little girl who seems to know all about what’s going on, because of course there is. And there’s some sort of backstory involving Amy’s father which I couldn’t be arsed with paying attention to. Oh, did I mention the flying priest?

I’m pretty sure someone took a stack of horror movie screenplays, threw them in a blender, poured the results into a casserole dish, and baked it for 94 minutes. If it weren’t for the boobs I’d think this was made for SyFy. Sadly, the boobs are present in insufficient quantities to make up for the mish-mashed plot and general ineptitude of the filmmaking. The flying priest was inadvertently hilarious though, so there’s that. Overall, worth a watch only if you’ve already watched everything that’s better than this, which is most things.

Darkside Witches (5/10)

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So, this movie opens with some witches being burned at the stake, in a historical fashion. Then, there’s a hardcore sex scene, complete with a squicky demon blowie unhappy ending. Then a bunch of boring stuff with priests and some science chick trying to get to the bottom of the demon attacks. And bad dubbing. And more attacks from penis-chomping lesbian demon witches out for revenge. And tons of nudity. This one kind of has it all! Except for, you know, a budget.

Best line: “Welcome to slavery, you cocksucking sinners!”

Satanic (6/10)

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Obnoxious Colorado millennials, heading to an obnoxious California music festival, take a detour to a hotel known for the suicide of some Satanic ho in the 70s, and proceed to dick around with a ouija board. And this is only the first stop on a whirlwind tour of occultic sites in LA.

Next stop: Some creepy occult shop. After acting like privileged little shits, they get thrown out by the creepy owner. They go back later that night to follow the owner to the ever-popular Secluded Location while continuing to act like spoiled little retards and spying on some Satanic ceremony involving a hot chick. At this point the viewer is left hoping that their horrible, painful deaths are imminent, when suddenly, the hot chick’s boobs are out! One of the jerkwads even says “oh shit! Boobs! We have boobies!” First smart thing any of them have said. Also, it looks like she’s about to be sacrificed, so they “rescue” her by nearly getting themselves shot. And then they go back to the hotel and have their own little Satan party with Hot Chick, who vomits and then pisses herself. After that, things get weird.

Also, Sarah Hyland says “fuck” a lot, which is weird because she still looks like she’s 8. If anyone ever makes a docudrama about Jeffrey Epstein’s island, she should be the first person cast.

So, this was written by Anthony Jaswinski, who wrote “Kristy”, which I liked quite a bit, and The Shallows, which I haven’t seen yet, but I’ve heard is good. This got slammed by critics (never trust critics, including me — trust me, I’m the last person you want to trust), but I thought it was pretty good, especially for mainstream Hollywood horror. “Kristy” was better for sure, but “Satanic” had its moments. At least it wasn’t another boobless PG-13 bore-fest. I’ll give this one a weak recommendation, but if you haven’t already seen “Kristy”, watch it instead.