Bleed (6/10)

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A pregnant girl is driving on the back roads of the small town her and her metrosexual husband just moved to and gets a flat tire. The friendly beardy sheriff is happy to help her out, but after changing her tire he notices a distinctive birthmark on her neck and has a warning for her that things may not be as safe out here in the country as they seem. They invite their demographically-correct friends from the city over to check out their birthing room, because that’s what the young people do. Preggo’s brother and slutty girlfriend also show up unannounced, and turns out they’re amateur ghost hunters, which will be relevant later. So, the friends and husband go off to explore a nearby abandoned (and haunted, of course) prison while Preggers goes for a drive and flips her SUV after seeing a ghost girl, and the brother’s slutty girlfriend gets ghost-raped maybe and the brother gets his throat slit but maybe doesn’t. It seems that all these happenings are somehow related to events in the brother and sister’s past, and the strange birthmark on her neck, and the brother is determined to ferret out the secrets of the local hayseeds, no matter how many times he has to get his throat maybe slit. Hint: It’s all about the baby.

Yeah, so, I don’t really have much else to say. This was well made and pretty good, but no boobs, even when the slutty girlfriend was taking a bath. I mean, why put a slutty girlfriend in a bathtub if you’re not going to show her boobs? It’s political correctness gone mad, I say. Anywho, your life will not be worse for having seen it, but it probably won’t be better either.

Vlog (4/10)

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We open with obnoxious but popular (presumably because she likes to sit around in skimpy underwear) cam girl Brooke Marks (the spot) being murdered live on the internets. Then we get the whole “6 weeks ago” or whatever business, and find out what a twat-waffle she is while she goes around picking up guys in bars and hidden-cameras them for her shitty vlog, all the while ridiculing and bitching about them, and then getting all salty when some guy denies her friend request. So I can’t imagine why anyone would possibly want to murder her. Soon she receives an anonymous voice mail directing her to some video clips online of her friends being horrifically murdered. The exploding bong was especially nice! She goes to the cops with the video and the investigation begins, and some more people die, and there’s a twist that you can see from a mile away.

So this was pretty well-made and acted, and Brooke Marks is pretty good as Brooke Marks. Is she really that obnoxious in real life? The plot was rather boring and predictable, but there were a couple good kills (that bong!). If there’d been Brooke boobs, I’d give it a solid 5/10, but there were no Brooke boobs, or any other boobs. Yeah, I know, horror filmmakers just don’t know the business anymore.

Antibirth (10/10)

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Lou (Natasha Lyonne) and Sadie (Chloe Sevigny) are super-skanky junkies who like to party with pimp/drug dealer Gabriel. After a night of drug-fueled partying, Lou begins to show symptoms of pregnancy, even though she is sure she hasn’t had sex in months, which nobody believes because she is a total ho. Over the next few days, during which she continues drinking heroic amounts of alcohol and sucking on a huge bong, her symptoms become increasingly, and disgustingly, bizarre. She is befriended by Lorna (Meg Tilly!), who talks about aliens and weird abuse at the hands of the government. As they investigate Lou’s condition, they learn of a shadowy rich benefactor to Gabriel, who is getting girls from him in exchange for a strange new drug, which may have been given to Lou at their last party. What happened to Lou at this party? And why is Sadie spending so much time with Gabriel? Does she know more than she is letting on?

This, right here, is the shit. This is a motherfucking horror movie right here. Natasha Lyonne gives a fantastic performance as the tragicomic Lou, whose drug-laden body horror seems as much an extension of her terrible life choices as it does the result of some mysterious conspiracy. This movie is filled with bizarre characters and happenings, but they flow naturally from circumstances, never seeming like weirdness for weirdness’s sake. She views her increasingly desperate situation as just one more shitty thing that’s happened to her in her already shitty life. Even Lorna, her protector and advocate, is a freakin’ loon. It’s all just another day in the life in the seventh circle of hell that is thug life in Michigan. This is one of the most fucked up movies I’ve seen in a long time, and it is glorious.

Dark (7/10)

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So we open with hot, naked lesbo sex. I’m good with that. But, it’s not kinky enough for our main lesbo (Kate), and it’s too kinky for our supporting lesbo. Which is a recipe for frustration, no doubt. Much like the next 20 minutes of the movie, where Kate goes about her daily business, which is exceptionally mundane. Then, finally, there’s a blackout in the city (New York I think, or maybe some Canadian shithole), so maybe something interesting is about to happen… And, no. Nothing continues to occur. We watch as Kate puts batteries in her ghetto blaster. We watch as Kate plays a CD on the ghetto blaster. We watch as Kate looks at not-naked pictures of ex-girlfriends while listening to the CD playing on the ghetto blaster. Kate looks stressed out and bored. So, presumably, do I at this point. Oh hey, now Kate’s going out! Something’s bound to happen now! At least, I hope so, because there’s an hour of movie left at this point. So she goes to a club and meets a pretentious douchenozzle from Canada (yeah, we’ve established this is New York now, in belaborous detail), and they have a super-tedious conversation about boring shit. At this point, I check to see if this was written by a woman, because sometimes women have odd ideas about what should be in horror movies. But no, it’s some dude named “Elias”. Just Elias. Like, you know, Sting, or somebody. Then she wants to have sex, but he won’t because they’ve both been drinking and he’s Canadian. So she stumbles out of the club, pukes in the street, and totters off home. And now there’s 45 minutes left in the movie and I’m worried I might not have enough laundry left to fold to keep me busy for that long. Then Canadia-boy figures out he’s got at least one nut and shows up at her apartment, where they fuck, off-screen goddammit. So I guess she’s not 100% lesbo. Then in the next scene, she’s bitching to him about how shitty her life is, except that he’s not there, so he either left or he was never there in the first place. I’m out of laundry to fold, so I begin to contemplate my navel more closely. Is that some lint? Oh hey, she took her shirt off and there’s boobies and flashbacks. Now I think she’s contemplating suicide; I know I am. 30 minutes left. Remember kids, I’m doing this for you. Normally by now I’d be wrapping up the part where I talk about the plot, but nothing has really happened, so it’s difficult to figure out where to leave off.  Maybe when I get to the end of the movie, I’ll be able to figure out the point at which the plot thickened. So hold on, I’ll be back after the end, if I haven’t blown my brains out.

Ok, I’m back. Turns out I did pick the right spot, which makes sense, because I’m a professional. And as a professional, I can admit when I’m wrong. The stuff that happened in the last 30 minutes of this movie, while still not exactly throbbing with action, made me reevaluate everything that had happened up to that point, and I actually have to say, this was quite good in a very subtle, slow-burn way. Probably not for everyone, but it was not at all what I thought it would be. Also, Whitney Able was really damn good as Kate. So, I’m going to call this recommended, if you’re up for something that’s really more of a psychodrama with some horror overtones. And it does have some nice boobage.

Chopping Mall (7/10)

The Park Plaza mall has just brought its new Protectors robot security program online, and promised “Don’t worry. Nothing can possibly go wrong.” So we now how that’s going to go. The way it goes is a freak lightning storm that scrambles the brains of the Killbots. Or does it? Yeah, it does. I’m not sure why I asked that. Coincidentally, some guys that work at the furniture store are planning an after-hours party with the food court girls. As you may have guessed, mayhem ensues. Fortunately, this is the 80s, so the mall has a gun store, and our spunky kids are able to arm themselves and fight back!

God I love the 80s. They really knew what you need in a horror movie back then: Killer robots, lasers, electrocutions, oddly colored fake blood, exploding heads, flame-throwers, and boobs. Lots and lots of boobs. Well, maybe not lots ands lots, but it’s not a paucity. Anywho, this is a semi-classic Roger Corman 80s movie featuring some familiar faces — including Barbara Crampton (boobs!) and Kelli Maroney, and cameos from Mary Woronov, Dick Miller, and Paul Bartel. And the Killbots are actually pretty cool. It’s not the best the decade has to offer, but it’s not bad either. Worth a watch for nostalgia and boobs, if nothing else.

13/13/13 (4/10)

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Clocks start showing 13:13 and everyone (except for people born in a leap year) goes crazy and starts killing themselves and each other. One of the characters figures out that if it weren’t for leap years, today would be 13/13/13. Seriously, that’s it. That’s the whole plot.

So, leaving out the really lame excuse for naming this 13/13/13 when they had run out of room on the calendar, this is a lot like The Signal (2007) except that was, you know, good. You should just go watch that instead.

12/12/12 (3/10)

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We open with a nude woman tied to a table with a dude smearing blood all over her and then human sacrificing her (I don’t know about you, but I think this is THE BEST way to start a movie; unfortunately, it’s all downhill after that). Sometime later, a woman gives birth to a demon baby that immediately strangles the delivery room doctor and nurse with its umbilical cord. Despite that, the couple is allowed to take the baby home, where it promptly bites her nipple, then later wakes her up in the middle of the night in the most WTF way possible (let’s just say it headed south from the nipple), and then kills the husband. The cops and Child Social Services show up and want to take the baby away, which the mother objects to, even though it’s obviously a creepy killer demon baby from hell. Anyway, the chick from CSS takes the baby and is promptly killed by it, so it is returned to its mother. For some reason, nobody seems all that concerned that the baby is killing everyone in sight and going down on mom. Meanwhile, some underwear-model-lookin’-dude is trying to steal the baby… for Satan!

This movie was dumb. The dialogue was dumb. The plot was dumb. The baby was dumb. The mother was dumb. The cops were dumb. Everything was dumb. But, it was also pretty funny. And watching the baby attack people even though it seemed otherwise completely unable to move was borderline hilarious. And there were some boobs. So, overall, it could have been worse. But not much. Oh, and I guess this was a sequel to 11/11/11, which I don’t remember too much about, other than it was somewhat less dumb than this one. And, this is followed by 13/13/13, which doesn’t even make calendrical sense. I haven’t seen that one yet, but I’ll let you know when I do.

UPDATE: My review of 13/13/13 Is here!

Devil’s Tower (8/10)

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A couple go up to the roof of a council high-rise to make out. Mid-snog, they suddenly start attacking each other for no apparent reason, and they both end up dead. The next day a new tenant, cutie-pie Sarah, arrives. Of course the building is shitty and full of squatters, because socialism. Sarah finds out from some friendly neighbors that she’s moving into the “murder flat”, and that the building is, of course, haunted. Soon, tenants start showing up on the antique TVs that are scattered throughout the building and start behaving very strangely and the whole building turns into a big zombie death- and fuck-fest. And then things get weird.

As you may have guessed from the word choices, this is British. That’s not terribly relevant, but I thought I’d mention it. Anywho, this starts out fairly serious, and then transitions to an almost slapstick comedy as it progresses and things go silly buggers (that’s a Britishism; I know this because I’m very cosmopolitan). This was a peculiar hybrid of family drama, ghost story, world-gone-mad, zombies, and it was quite a bit of fun. Also, there was a fair number of boobies, so that’s a point in its favor. Overall, quite worth a watch, and another good entry in the UK horror catalog. In fact, it was so good, I accidentally watched it twice.

Room 6 (3/10)


Amy, who’s been having dreams about waking up in the middle of surgery, is riding with her boyfriend Nick when they get into a car crash. An ambulance shows up from out of nowhere and hauls off the injured boyfriend, but won’t bring Amy along or tell her where they’re going. She makes her way to the nearest hospital but Nick’s not there, but she finds Lucas, the driver from the other car, who is looking for his sister that was taken away by another ambulance. Together they call all the local hospitals with no luck, and are then attacked by a homeless Kane Hodder who has a bad case of demon-face. Meanwhile, things are not at all right at whatever facility Nick ended up at, where he’s being “cared for” by several hot but creepy nurses who like to take blood samples, get naked, and make out with each other. As the plot thickens, Amy starts having weirder dreams, sees demon faces everywhere, and complete strangers all seem to know her name. And Lucas gets all handsy and seems to be more sinister than expected. Meanwhile there’s a strange little girl who seems to know all about what’s going on, because of course there is. And there’s some sort of backstory involving Amy’s father which I couldn’t be arsed with paying attention to. Oh, did I mention the flying priest?

I’m pretty sure someone took a stack of horror movie screenplays, threw them in a blender, poured the results into a casserole dish, and baked it for 94 minutes. If it weren’t for the boobs I’d think this was made for SyFy. Sadly, the boobs are present in insufficient quantities to make up for the mish-mashed plot and general ineptitude of the filmmaking. The flying priest was inadvertently hilarious though, so there’s that. Overall, worth a watch only if you’ve already watched everything that’s better than this, which is most things.

The Autopsy of Jane Doe (8/10)


We open with police arriving at the scene of a multiple homicide in Grantham, Virginia. After surveying the scene and finding several people dead from considerable violence, the sheriff is summoned to the basement, where forensics techs have discovered the nude body of a young woman, partially buried in the dirt floor. The sheriff take Jane Doe to the local  morgue, run by a father (played by the always-great Brian Cox) and his son (played by some guy), interrupting the son’s plans for a hot date with a chick that likes to look at corpses. At first, the corpse seems immaculate, but the father and son team soon finds bizarre and disturbing internal injuries. As they dig deeper, a storm rolls in and strange things begin to happen in the creepy and labyrinthine old morgue.

First off, kudos to Olwen Kelly for laying around nude and dead for most of the movie and not even looking like she was cold; that’s some fine work right there. This was very good, with a great old-school vibe and lots of creepy and atmospheric moments. There were, however, a couple of things that kept it from being great. Without going into too much detail, I will say that it went a bit heavy on foreshadowing a couple of things, and there was a bit of exposition that seemed unnecessary and smacked a bit of political agenda. Other than those minor missteps, this is a fine effort. I don’t think it quite lives up to the hype that it has gotten, but it’s still well done and certainly worth a watch. Also, nice boobs, even if they were dead.